Finding Your Compass
August Reflections: Reflections on Shame, Self-Trust, and Learning to Know Ourselves
I talk about shame a lot in my work.
Shame has a way of making us question not just what we did, but who we are.
Am I selfish?
Am I difficult?
Am I too sensitive?
Did I make the wrong choice?
Is there something wrong with me?
It is much harder for someone else's judgment to shake our sense of self when we know who we are, what matters to us, and whether we are living in alignment with those things.
That doesn't mean criticism won't hurt, or that we won't make mistakes.
It means we have something to come back to.
A compass.
Knowing What Matters to Us
I think most of us benefit from having some version of a personal manifesto. What matters to me? How do I want to treat people? How do I want to move through the world? What am I unwilling to compromise, and where am I willing to reconsider what I believe?
When we're clear about these things, disagreement becomes a little less threatening. Someone can believe I made the wrong choice without that meaning I made the wrong choice.
They may have different values, experiences, needs, preferences, or options available to them. Their judgment tells me something about how they experience the world. It doesn't necessarily tell me the truth about myself.
No one else can fully tell us who we are, what our intentions were, or what is in our hearts. At the same time, good intentions don't guarantee good outcomes. We can be loving and still hurt someone. We can act in alignment with our values and discover that our actions had an impact we didn't anticipate.
Part of integrity is being grounded enough in ourselves to hear that. Other people's responses can give us information about our impact.
They don't get to tell us who we are.
Knowing Ourselves Means Knowing Our Bodies
Knowing ourselves isn't only a cognitive exercise. At any given moment, our experience is being shaped by an enormous amount of sensory information that we may not even consciously recognize.
Maybe you've been inexplicably irritable all afternoon and eventually realize your sweater has been itching your neck for hours.
Maybe an alarm is blaring somewhere in the distance, the lights are too bright, you haven't eaten, or you've been sitting still when your body desperately wants to move. Suddenly, the person talking loudly next to you feels unbearable.
This is one of the things I love about somatic work. Our bodies give us more of the picture.
That doesn't mean our bodies always know "the truth."
Our nervous systems carry history. Something unfamiliar can feel dangerous simply because it's unfamiliar. Anxiety can feel like intuition. Setting a healthy boundary might make your heart race. Something deeply aligned with your values can still feel scary.
The practice isn't simply trusting your body.
It's including your body in the conversation.
What am I noticing?
What might I need?
Am I hungry, tired, overstimulated, lonely, scared, excited?
Do I need movement, quiet, connection, space, food, play, touch?
Does this feel wrong because it violates something important to me, or does it feel uncomfortable because I'm vulnerable or doing something new? Our bodies don't always give us the answer. But they give us information.
Learning Your Own Recipe
Each of us has a unique recipe of needs, wants, pleasures, sensitivities, histories, and preferences that shapes how we experience the world.
One person feels restored by a crowded dinner table.
Another loves their friends deeply and still wants to go home by eight.
One person wants to talk through conflict immediately.
Another needs space before they even know what they're feeling.
Neither is necessarily wrong. The more we understand our own recipe, the easier it becomes to make
choices that actually work for us.
Maybe I don't need to leave the party. Maybe I need ten minutes outside. Maybe I don't hate this conversation. Maybe I'm hungry. Maybe I don't need to end the relationship. Maybe I need to finally say no to something I've been agreeing to for months.
Interestingly, I think knowing ourselves this way can also make us more open to other people.
If I understand that I need quiet to feel regulated, I don't have to decide that someone who loves noise is inconsiderate. If I know that I need time to process conflict, I can communicate that without insisting everyone process the way I do.
We don't have to surround ourselves with people who agree with us in order to feel secure in who we are. We can stay grounded in our own values while remaining genuinely curious about someone else's experience. That, to me, is very different from certainty.
I can believe I acted with good intentions and listen when you tell me I hurt you.
I can consider your perspective without automatically adopting it.
I can change my mind without deciding that my former self was bad.
And sometimes I can listen carefully and still decide that we simply see things differently. There isn't one perfect way to build a life. The goal isn't to discover the universally correct way to live. It's to know ourselves well enough to make the best choices we can, with the information we have, while remaining open to learning more.
Write Your Own Manifesto
This month, I invite you to think about your own compass. What matters to you? How do you want to treat other people and yourself? What are you unwilling to compromise? Where are you willing to change your mind?
And don't just ask your mind.
What does your body feel like when you're well cared for? What environments help you feel most like yourself? How do you know when you need rest, movement, connection, solitude, food, play, or something else?
Write some of it down. Create your own personal manifesto. Let it change as you change.
We can't build lives that no one will judge or misunderstand. But we can know ourselves well enough to recognize when we're living in integrity, stay curious when there is more to learn, and make choices that honor both the people around us and ourselves.
Our values give us a compass.
Our bodies give us more of the map.
If you're exploring what it means to know yourself more deeply, build self-trust, and make choices that feel aligned with your values and your body, therapy can be a supportive place to begin that work.